Meet the man trying to understand what it is to be masculine in the 21st century
The past year has seen significant views about masculinity changing. Highly visible campaigns such as the #MeToo movement and Gillette’s latest TV advertisement, which explores toxic masculinity, have demonstrated how men have used their power over women for decades. These campaigns have helped society to reflect on what it means to be a man. It seems the perfect time to put masculinity under the spotlight.
That’s what Sam Ainsworth, a 26-year-old Director from London, is doing. He explores the concept of masculinity in his blog Masculinity In Focus. The aim, as described by Ainsworth, is “to look at masculinity and how we are coming to define it in the modern age”.
Can you explain why you decided to write about masculinity?
Ainsworth: As with many decisions to change one’s behaviour, it came from a bit of a breakdown. I was in the gym (that masculine refuge for confused emotional repression!) before heading out on a date, but my sense of self-worth being what it was at the time led me to have a panic attack. I made a deal with myself: if I was going to pull out of the date I had to a) be honest with the girl as to what was going on, and b) sort myself out with some therapy.
The girl ended up totally understanding, and I went into six months of therapy, once a fortnight. It was a life-changing experience, and the therapist, Rachel, helped me to discover that my upbringing caused some of my neuroses in a society that places certain expectations on men that, for many of us, are unrealistic or plainly not true.
I work in film. I love pop culture. And I’m interested in this issue. I decided to combine them all in a blog that might examine them in combination.
What are you trying to achieve with your blog?
If I don’t see enough representations of the person I aspire to be, or the feelings I like to feel, in pop culture, art or through my friends, colleagues, and mentors, I revert to what society wants of me: the unemotional, buff, perfect manly man. Which of course makes me miserable.
I want the blog to be somewhere people can read and go “even I don’t 100% agree, I understand this person is creating a safe space for these issues to be brought up & discussed.” I want to give people a sense that a man can be honest and vulnerable, at least from behind a keyboard.
How do you decide what to write about?
SA) It’s what I’m talking about with my friends, or as in Gillette for example, what I see online. Fortunately, I have a group of friends who are willing to entertain these discussion points, so sometimes it’s when I’m least expecting it that someone will bring up, or send me, something they think will be of interest.
Generally, it’s what makes me think, “holy shit people need to see this.”
What are the reactions that you get from people who have read your blog?
SA) Overwhelmingly positive! But then again, it’s not widely enough read for massive dissent or trolling to occur, which is fortunate. I’ve had personal messages from people I don’t speak to much telling me it’s helped them, and I have a post on therapy that people tell me they’ve sent on to people that they believe need some therapy, which is nice!
What have you learned about your masculinity during this process?
It’s helped me see thought patterns that would draw me into a version of masculinity I think hindered me in the past. It’s also helped my sense of self. I always felt like an outsider. I was always very shy and withdrawn. It was because I was afraid of people rejecting what I thought or said, and therefore me. Now I’m a lot more open because I realise that through honesty and vulnerability people can open up and feel more comfortable around you, which provokes better relationships and conversations! I want to be the slightly-annoying “so how do you really feel” person now.
What do you think toxic masculinity is?
Its masculinity projected inwardly or outwardly in a negative way. I’m sure there’s such a thing as toxic femininity, but it isn’t examined as much. Masculinity, or the male energy, tends to be more projective and dominant, which is probably why there’s so much re-examining of the effects men have had on society through history.
Do you think that toxic masculinity is a big problem in our society?
I think it’s a problem. I believe there is a lot of confused, afraid men in our society who don’t feel they have a purpose. It’s why Jordan Peterson, Joe Rogan, The Rock etc. are so popular. They offer some sense of reason and clarity.
The problem many people have today is one of the discoveries of the self. I.e. without religion and the community as a founding base of the way we process the world, it’s rather hard to work out who we are.
Toxic masculinity, therefore, appears when these men castigate themselves, or castigate others, without looking inward and thinking about who they are or want to be. I empathise entirely with this. It’s a tough ask.
If you could advise any men out there who want to learn more about their masculinity and what it means to be a modern day man what advice would you give?
It doesn’t have to be anything major. You don’t have to buy a new suit, become a yogi, or sleep with 50 people you think you’re attracted to.
Try to be more honest with yourself about how you’re feeling and react to that. Be vulnerable with one or more people (try to make one of them a man you respect), and if that’s a therapist then great.
If you find yourself in a pattern of comparing yourself to other men, being overly competitive with other men or feel out of control of your emotions, please do speak to somebody about it. It’s not a sin, and I 100% guarantee you will feel better. I have felt those exact same feelings, just like your dad has. It’s OK.
The biggest killer of men under the age of 45 is suicide. How is this related to masculinity?
I’m not a psychotherapist, so I’m not going to play one and diagnose people.
All I’ll say is that the statistics show women attempt suicide more than men in our society, but men have a higher success rate at committing suicide than women. It’s an issue that I think eclipses gender, and it is related to what I mentioned above. We are losing our sense of community, the vulnerability with which we can speak to one another, our careers place greater pressure on us, social media asks perfection of us, and we live in massive metropolises which are not suitable for our stress levels, and keep us apart from our friends and loved ones. Sometimes I think it’s a miracle more of us don’t suffer because of this.
Mental health, like physical health, has ups and downs. You catch a cold, you take a bit of time off, or get help for it. For a lot of people, there is a lack of understanding that emotional health is the same, and it’s ok. Ask for help, take the time you need to address what you’re feeling. There are people who want to help, and can.
You can read Sam’s masculinity in focus blog here: https://medium.com/@masculinityinfocus.
If you want help getting a therapist, check out Sam’s post on getting a therapist.
